Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
