FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
