I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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