K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
