Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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