I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
