god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
