I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just pee around me
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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