ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
