i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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