My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
