My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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