I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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