You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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