I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
