I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
there is glitter all over my balls
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