NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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