btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
