This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
