quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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