True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i think i have two assholes
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
