i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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