then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
