just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
