just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It's never too late to be topless.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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