i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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