My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
