i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
