just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
