you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
