Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
