I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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