if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
