I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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