their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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