dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
