All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
