at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
