shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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