Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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