Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
