I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
false alarm, still single
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
