just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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