Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Houston, we have a squirter
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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