Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
