He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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