So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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