i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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