You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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