The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
