i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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