the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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