his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
