I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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