Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
