so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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