Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
