If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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