If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
