Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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